There’s this one thing we all want…to be in control
Being in control. Doesn’t that sound nice and empowering. What is your relationship with this topic, and the idea of having or needing to have control?
I’m not going to beat around the bush here, and start off by saying that there is very little which we are in control of. Actually, we can only control what happens on the inside. The truth is that many of us are in constant need of control, and this compulsive need comes from fear. The fear of not feeling safe, so in order to gain back some trust we move into controlling behaviours, thoughts and actions. The truth is that we are lying to ourselves, “as long as I’m in control everything will be ok”. Control is an illusion.
“Being completely in control is a fantasy.”
What is actually happening is a lack of self-awareness, and living on autopilot. What can be helpful in those controlling moments, is to simply notice, return to yourself, and find ways to self sooth, and slowly develop more tools and skills to deal with uncertainty and the unknown. Because that is what we are trying to achieve here, we want to control, fix, have a set plan because we tell ourselves that it will keep us safe and in control.
The more you try to control things outside of you the more resistance and suffering you will create. The truth is that we are only in control of our energy, what we say, what we do/our decisions, how we feel and how we respond.
Healing and freedom can only happen once you decide to let go, and let things be. Embracing whatever is in-front of you, no matter how difficult or challenging it is, instead of constantly fighting it. It’s probably easier said than done, so how about starting off with being more aware and just noticing when you move into control mode, how that feels in your body, without altering your actions.
Here are some questions which you could consider reflecting on:
In which area of your life do you find yourself trying to control things (around food, relationships, career, colleagues etc)?
How can you bring more spontaneity and playfulness into that area of life?
Next time when you move into control mode, try to observe what happens in your body. Is your body open, or closed? How does the jaw feel, relaxed or tense? What about your posture or shoulders, is it hunched, relaxed, open or closed? What about the mind, what does it say: I need to do this now or else, this is unacceptable, we need to find a solution immediately otherwise…etc
Is there an area of your life where you don’t feel the urge to control, and how does that feel for you, both mentally and physically? What kind of sensations can you notice on a physical level, does the body feel open or closed, is there heaviness or lightness present?
How could you practice more self-awareness and give yourself the opportunity to pause, before you enter complete control mode? For example, if from question 1 you conclude that you are rather controlling in your romantic relationship, could you be more mindful so when your partner does or says something next time, you take a breath and pause. You can ask yourself: how do their actions make me feel? Is there an irresistible urge to intervene? Could I just listen without telling them what to do?
If you would like to discuss further your need to control and how to build more self-awareness, feel free to get in touch and let’s together find the most constructive way to build better self-awareness.